Republican Tea Party Caucus agenda

As with the aftermath of all elections, if you don't tear yourself away from the churning political news you will be inundated with analysis. This year the pundits are telling their audiences about what the new Tea Party Republicans want. They’re explaining what the Independents who voted Republican want. We’re hearing about the direction in which the lawmakers are heading and so forth.

Me? I can take only so much of that stuff. On the other hand, when you get the real inside story, instead of spin, that can be fascinating.

Over the 26 years I’ve been writing commentary on politics and popular culture, I’ve had various characters approach me with stories they wanted told, but they needed to be left out of it. Some were clearly whistle-blowers, others had more complicated agendas. Some were righteous, others were more mischievous. In every case I have stuck to a policy of not revealing the identity of such a source.

So, dear reader, I can’t tell you who my source is this time, either. I did get permission from this self-styled whistle-blower to say that he or she may have been an official within the Virginia Republican Party at one time. Although this year my secret source became disgruntled and was not directly involved in party politics, he or she remains in touch with the guys who call the shots.

From here on this source will be called Sore Throat. What follows are five strategies from a supposedly longer list detailing what the Republican Tea Party Caucus will demand be made into new laws and new programs.

Sore Throat sat across from me in a Museum District watering hole and told me to write down what he or she said. He or she then unfolded a piece of paper and read from it. Afterward, Sore Throat ate the paper like a film noir spy. Then he or she bought us another round of beer.

Here’s what I wrote down:

In order to create jobs, cut taxes and pay off the deficit, certain laws must be written and passed by Congress next year. Certain new government-shrinking programs must be created by Congress. In the first 100 days of 2011 the Republican Party must put the following 20 ideas on the table. With no compromising, before the year is over they must all become the law of the land:

1. English must be declared the official language of the USA. No taxpayers’ dollars can be spent on signs written in any language other than English. The teaching of any foreign language in public schools must end. Subtitles in all foreign films must be eliminated. The wearing of scary hats in which bombs could be hidden, such as fezzes or turbans, can only be allowed behind closed doors on private property.

2. The Indentured Servant program, which helped to build this nation into the greatest in all of Earth's 10,000 years of existence, should be revived. This time-honored program would be used to give illegals without a criminal record a path to citizenship. The number of years an illegal must be indentured would depend on their native country. Without discrimination, any bona fide citizen would be eligible to bid online on the annual contract of any servant. The revenue from the auctions would be earmarked to go directly toward paying off the national debt.

3. To eliminate frivolous lawsuits and stimulate the economy the cap for any valid corporation’s liability exposure must be set nationwide at $19.95.

4. To save time, and time is money, extra points must be eliminated from football games at every level.

5. In order to avoid impeachment by proving he is an American citizen -- and therefore eligible to be president -- President Barrack Obama must bring his birth certificate to a joint session of Congress and pass it around for inspection by all members requesting an up-close look at it.

Sore Throat said the rest of the Republican Tea Party Caucus list of top priorities will be revealed to me in a similar manner soon. Then he or she stood up and said, “These bozos want to plant Cheerios to grow doughnut trees!”

Sore Throat promptly disappeared into the night. No, I can't yet verify anything my source said. However, if there's any truth to his or her claims, next year promises to be a bumpy ride inside the beltway.