1. "And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for
suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; for in those
days there were not many, and those he could find were already working.
2. Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house
gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the scat-singing
team of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
3. So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many
musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he rent his clothing asunder.
4. And the Lord did say, "Hast thou looked everywhere? Didst thou call the Union?"
5. And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially
low; and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?"
6. And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying unto him, "Leave Me to think on this!"
7. And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts upon Egypt.
8. And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the land, commanding them to find Him some Sidemen.
9. And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the
only unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who
did play the horn with the slide.
10. So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad
news, and filled with wrath He said, "How can this be? At one time the
world did teem with Sidemen, as dead oxen do with maggots!"
11. And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have
become idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will
work for another Leader."
12. So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while He thought, and
at last the answer came unto Him. He did recall that there was a
factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field, Inc. division, that was in
13. For it had earlier been used to create Golems, for which there
had been no great demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And
He thought, 'We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen.'
14. And so it was done, and it came to pass that the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line.
15. But somehow a remnant of the Golem program remained, and the Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably.
16. Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe.
17. Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Gigging Toga.
18. And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots
in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with
19. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly
looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the
hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose.
20. And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp.
21. And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their eyebrows should be.
22. And some did worship the gods Mahavishnu, Sun Ra, Trane, Jaco,
Ornette, Cecile, and did therefore mock their Leaders at will.
23. And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests had dined.
24. And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the
Guests, and some with the Little Sisters of these, the Chick Singers
and the Guests.
25. And some did not Read, and some could only Read, but not Blow.
And some could only Read one clef and not another. And some could only
Blow in certain keys. And some did Blow the same notes no matter what
26. And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills.
And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the
Outlook on Life.
27. But every once in a while the line did miraculously produce a
Perfect Sideman: One who followed orders without question; One who
believed in the hourglass; One who wore the Toga; One whose chariot
always ran; One who Knew all "Tunes" in any key.
28. But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides
their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned by the rest, for they were
boring and knew not how to hang.
29. And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for
Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing each
other in the back.
30. And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It will do."
Note: This was sent to me a few years ago by Gregg Wetzel (piano and vocals).